How to Ruin Your Life (in One Easy Step!)
by PhoenixCaptain
Summary: You know who Dark is, don't you? Who am I kidding, of course you do, what with him almost burning Castle Town to the ground and all... That's not the point. Here I am - yours truly, Link, hero of Hyrule - to assure you that no, I did not willingly participate in any of his shenanigans. Including that fiasco with the cuccos.
1. I'm supposed to title these?

My life was great.

 _Was._

See, I'm a hero, I get to live in a fancy castle, and I have a beautiful princess for a fiancé. Couldn't be better, right? Yeah. I bet you read the title on the cover of this book, and you saw who the author was - yours truly, Link, hero of Hyrule - and you're thinking, _What do_ you _have to complain about? How do you ruin your life in one easy step?_

Dark. He's how. That's why everything crashed and burned (sometimes literally) when Dark popped into my life like a huge, unwanted zit that would _never_ go away.

Before I get ahead of myself and waste your time and mine ranting about him, I'll introduce you two. You know, just in case you're one of the lucky few in Hyrule who has never heard of this brainless oaf.

It all started with a peaceful picnic in the castle's courtyard. Zelda (she's my fiancé, if you've been living under a rock long enough not to know that) sat next to me on a cozy little blanket in the grass as we ate and talked and laughed. I was telling her an amazingly hilarious joke when Dark rudely interrupted. He just stepped into the courtyard and loomed over us like a terrible curse with his red eyes blazing.

I choked on my food.

For a long while I sat there, coughing and hacking and spluttering with a face probably as red as a cherry, instead of pulling out my sword and fighting him like I should have. Yeah... not one of my shining moments, but don't blame me! Blame him! He's the one who dropped by without any warning whatsoever. Besides, I bet you'd have the same reaction if you saw a dark copy of yourself just materialize in front of you, right? Don't tell me you wouldn't.

Anyway, now that I think about it, he didn't do anything while I sat there choking like an idiot. He just waited politely. Kind of decent of him, actually.

But what he did next was _not_ decent. He pulled his entirely black sword out of its sheath, pointed it at my neck, and growled, "Duel me."

I'd like to say that I finally regained my composure - that I narrowed my eyes, clenched my fists, stood with dignity and grace and bravely drew my weapon in response. Unfortunately that didn't happen. In reality I stared at him with stupidly wide eyes, my mouth gaping like a beached fish's, and when I could actually form words, the first thing I said was - "H-how? When? _Why?"_

Somehow he understood my incoherent babbling, because he responded, "I waited for years in the Water Temple to fight you. You never came. So I got bored and left to find you." He gave a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, as if he were discussing something as trivial as the day's pleasant weather.

Uh... before we get any further, you know all those stories going around about me time traveling? Well, some of them are true. Long story short, I killed this guy, once upon a time - so you'll understand that I was extremely confused, because I thought he was dead. I realized that, technically, I had defeated him in the _future..._ So it hadn't actually happened at all.

Needless to say, I felt very disappointed.

Nonetheless - I unsheathed my sword, and stood to face him. Zelda sat on the blanket with worried eyes flicking between the two of us. I assured her I'd be all right. Then I lunged.

Dark was fast, but I was faster. I'd fought him before - even if nobody but me remembered it. I knew what he'd do. So when he tried to dodge my attack, I quickly flicked my wrist, and my weapon sailed into an entirely different position and flew toward him from an entirely different direction.

In one hit I sliced his stomach open, and just like that the fight was over.

...Fine, it wasn't nearly as epic as that. I had to block and attack and block and attack in this really boring cycle for a while before I _finally_ landed a hit on him. Even then, when my blade cut right through his flesh and opened a deep gash in his chest, he didn't die, or even _bleed_ \- he just smiled, sheathed his weapon, and held out a hand.

When I fought him in the future, I remembered him - you know - actually _dying?_ So this made absolutely no sense.

I blinked at him in shock. His smile widened.

"You're a great fighter!" he laughed, hand still held out toward me. His gash sealed itself up in a matter of seconds. "It was an entertaining battle. Was it not?" That time his burning red gaze went to Zelda's.

She blinked. Her lips parted in surprise - I remember her sitting there for a quite a while as she let the awkward silence build up - and then she shrugged. "Yeah. It was entertaining."

Entertaining? This psychopathic clone of me had just barged in and interrupted our lovely picnic to try and _kill_ me and she thought it was _entertaining?!_

I shot her an incredulous look. She pretended not to notice.

"Yes. Thank you, Link," Dark said, forcibly taking my hand and shaking it. I grimaced at him and jerked my hand away. That just made him grin. "At any rate! I'm afraid I lack a home. This castle is quite nice - I'd love to stay here for a while, if you have an empty room anywhere? I don't want to be a bother, so I could even sleep in the stables if you want me to!"

"What?" I stared, wide-eyed and unblinking, at the idiot in front of me. "You just tried to kill me and you want to stay here at the castle?!"

"I wouldn't have killed you!" he protested, shaking his head. "Notice how I was very careful not to land a scratch on you?"

"I -"

He didn't let me continue. "If I had won the fight, I'd have simply pointed my blade harmlessly at your neck and not drawn a single drop of blood. My intent wasn't to hurt you. It was just to spar against you! And come on - you have to admit, it was fun."

"It was _not_ fun!" I hissed through gritted teeth.

"As I was saying, my fair princess." Dark turned his stupid smile to Zelda again. She smiled back. I wanted to punch my clone. "If you'd let me stay in the castle, then perhaps I could treat you and your loyal subjects to more entertaining sparring matches in the future! I'd be glad to fight anyone who wishes to take up their blade against me - I'll be a sort of teacher for any of your soldiers who need training. And you only need pay me by giving me food and a place to stay. Convenient, no?"

Zelda's eyes met mine for a moment. I _knew_ what she was trying to tell me. I frantically shook my head.

She ignored me. "Well, I don't see anything wrong with it," she told Dark.

Goddesses. Sometimes I wonder how that woman ever got the Triforce of Wisdom.

At her words, I swear Dark shot a quick smirk in my direction. I made sure to glare at him as hard as I possibly could, even though he seemed totally unfazed by my frustration. Instead he just helped Zelda to her feet and asked her where he'd be staying.

As she led him off to show him, I stayed behind, seething, and plotting my revenge. I swore to myself then and there that I wouldn't let him ruin my life.

He ruined it anyway.


	2. Insert title, I guess

I have no idea why Dark started raising cuccos. He's basically my dark side personified, so it makes no sense. Why would he want to tend to little helpless, fuzzy cucco babies?

Actually, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. But we'll get to that later. For now, let's start when I first discovered Dark's stupid plan to raise cuccos.

I remember it being a very nice day. I'd woken to the sun shining bright, a fancy breakfast, a kiss from my beautiful fiancé, and a passing glance from Impa. (A "passing glance" is a freaking miracle coming from that demon of a woman. For some stupid reason she hates me and thinks I'm "unworthy" of Zelda and she's usually bruising me with her words. Or sometimes literally too. Anyway, this is all besides the point. The _point_ is, I was having a nice day and stupid Dark just had to ruin it.

... What do you mean, I'm still talking in parentheses?) No I'm not. What are you on about?

Ahem. So before we all get distracted with pointless nonsense, I'm going to cut to the chase. After breakfast I went outside to get a breath of fresh, crisp morning air, and there... I found Dark. Drowning in little yellow fluff-balls. He stood there, smiling as casually as if nothing was happening, all while cucco chicks quite literally swarmed him, clambering up and down his arms and legs and torso and burying themselves in his hat and his tunic and his hair, all while chirping incessantly without ever shutting up like the annoying little nitwits they were.

I just stood there and gawked for a while.

Dark's eyes flicked to mine, and he chuckled - probably at my expression. I just blinked at him in shock. He found _me_ amusing when _he_ was the one buried in freaking cucco babies?

I started to turn and head back to the castle without saying a word. It would have been better to pretend nothing had happened and simply try - in vain - to return to my normal life. But Dark wouldn't let that happen. Of course.

"You, there!" he called after me.

I groaned, reluctantly stopped, and hesitated for a good long while as I rubbed my forehead in frustration before I finally turned around. "What?" I grumbled.

Dark grinned at me. "Wouldn't you like to meet them?"

I cocked a brow. "No."

He walked right up to me and grabbed my arm - even when I flinched and tried to tug myself out of his grip - and then some of the stupid little devil-birds started crawling up my arms and _pecking_ me.

"Ow!" I yelped as they tunneled under my tunic and pecked every single available surface of my skin. I'm not proud to admit that I flopped around like a dying fish, arms flailing wildly, desperately flinging as many cucco chicks away from my body as I possibly could. But come on. Would you have done any better? ... Thought so.

Dark just laughed at me the whole time. Rage boiling inside me at this absolute piece of scum who dared to invade my perfect life and mess things up with something as _stupid_ as this, I turned toward him and - with cuccos still swarming my arms - punched him so hard in the face that he flew backwards quite an impressive distance. I smiled in satisfaction as I watched him crash to the ground with a surprised _oof._

For a while he only laid there in the grass, staring up at the bright blue sky, lips pressed together in a thin line. I remember that thin line very distinctly, because I was quite sure that meant he planned to kill me the moment he stood up.

But he didn't. Instead he just brushed himself off and sighed. "And they think _I'm_ your dark side," he mumbled to himself as he straightened his black tunic.

I huffed in annoyance and flicked the last of the bird babies off my arms. "Look, _Dark,"_ I hissed, taking a step toward him in what I hoped was a threatening gesture, angrily jabbing my index finger at him.

He interrupted me. "Dark? Hmm." His eyes drifted away as if lost in thought, and he smiled. "A fitting name, I suppose. I approve."

"I don't give a log from Din's divine toilet if you approve. I was living a perfectly good life until you showed up!"

"And, pray tell, what have I ever done to change that?" His _infuriating_ smile never left his face. "All I've done is sleep in an unused room of the castle and get a few cucco chicks to raise."

"A few? A _few?!"_ I spluttered, gesturing wildly to the hopping bird babies. "That's like, five hundred!"

"One hundred and fifty, to be exact."

I pretended he hadn't spoken. "And I don't want those stupid little things running wild in the courtyard! This is supposed to be a _peaceful_ place! Can't you find anywhere better to store your five hundred cuccos?!"

"One hundred and fifty," he said again, with a tired sigh.

"I don't _care!_ Just get them out of here!"

If you can't tell already, I really, really hate cuccos. Why, you ask? Uh… let's just say it's due to certain past experiences with them. They're like the devil incarnate. And I didn't want one hundred and fifty devils incarnate running around my nice, peaceful courtyard.

"They're harmless. What do you have against them?" Dark protested.

"Everything!" I growled.

He only shrugged. "Well, my _deepest_ apologies," he said, even though I could tell he wasn't sorry in the slightest, "but they're staying right here." Then he smiled again.

I really freaking hate his smile. (I hope mine doesn't look as annoying as his.)

So… I punched him, again. I couldn't resist.

 _That_ time I saw the murder in his fiery red eyes. And I felt afraid, for a second, as he snarled, "That's it," and lunged at me. But then I hurriedly regained my pride and stood my ground until he slammed into me. We both went tumbling to the ground, shouting angrily as I attempted to get the upper hand and he tried to do the same thing. The blasted bird babies swarmed us then, chirping madly and clawing and pecking at us (or, rather, just me).

I'm pretty sure it looked ridiculous - an indistinguishable mass of flailing limbs, one hundred and fifty cucco chicks clambering all over us like an ocean of noisy yellow fuzz, jabbing their little needle-beaks into any exposed skin.

And before I knew what was happening, I felt a very strong hand on my back, pulling me to my feet, and a dreadfully familiar voice hissing, "Just what in Nayru's glorious name are you two doing?"

I swallowed as my heart dropped into my stomach like a stone. I looked toward the source of the voice - only to find Impa standing there with her terrifying blood-red eyes narrowed in anger.

I tried to smile. "N-nothing."

She glared harder. At that moment I wished I could turn into dust and blow away in the breeze. It would have been better than dealing with a very angry Impa.

 _"Clearly,_ nothing." Her hard eyes swept the courtyard, and I swear she glared at the little cucco chicks so fiercely that they could have burst into flame if she'd wanted them to.

Lucky for them, they didn't. Not so lucky for me… they didn't.

"Whose are these?" she demanded, releasing my tunic - which I forgot she'd been holding onto, and therefore I forgot to actually support my own legs, so I plopped to the ground in a very disgraceful heap with an equally disgraceful noise. I'm not very amazing when Impa's around, if that wasn't obvious enough already. What? Don't blame me. She's terrifying!

I glanced up to see her kicking little bird babies off her legs, teeth bared in a horrible snarl.

"Er," Dark started reluctantly as he brushed himself off, "they're… mine."

"Get them out," she commanded, turning to face Dark with rage in her eyes. He actually looked nervous for a moment and swallowed. "I don't like them."

"They're harmless, really -"

"Does it look like I care?" Hands pressed firmly to her hips, she leaned close enough that Dark could see the pure fires of hell itself that roared in her eyes.

"I suppose not…?" was his reluctant answer.

"Take them out to the trash, for all I care," she hissed. "And take yourself along with them. _Both_ of you." Her cruel eyes shot between both me and Dark. Then she brushed past us and went back inside the castle - but not before stopping in the doorway and calling over her shoulder without looking back, "If the two of you and your ugly birds aren't gone by dinner, I'll take you out myself." Then she was gone, slamming the door behind her.

Dark and I only stood there, speechless, staring in horror at the door.

Then we turned to each other. For a while there was only silence - and then he said, "You know… I'm not quite fond of her."

For once I could agree with him. "She's a total piece of -"

Dark tsked. "Now, now," he interrupted, disapprovingly shaking his head. "I'm afraid this strange little 'story' is only rated K+ and that sort of language isn't appropriate."

I blinked in utter confusion. "…What in Farore's sweet name are you…"

"At any rate," Dark continued as if he hadn't said anything. He rubbed his hands together, and his lips slowly curved into a smirk.

I froze. See, his smirks are _terrifying,_ and not only that, but I just knew he had some awful plot birthing in his head like a little demon hatching from its egg made of brimstone and pure evil. "Oh, Goddesses, what -"

"Come," was all he said, "You're going to help me."

I didn't really have a choice.

But that can wait until the next chapter. See? I left it off on a cliffhanger! (That _is_ how cliffhangers work, right? I was told they make you more interested in the next chapter… Is it working yet?)

* * *

 **A/N: So I started this stupid little crackfic as a way to take a break from all the angst I write. Since I'm much more accustomed to the aforementioned angst, I'm not sure how good I am at writing humor. Is it funny? Is it not? Feel free to tell me. ;3**


	3. Another chapter title, yay

Where was I? Oh, right. The cucco fiasco.

Okay, before we get started, I'm just going to admit right here and now that I _miiiight_ have been slightly willing to get involved. Maybe. Just a little. Hey! No, come back, don't stop reading, let me explain! Please!

…Ahem. So. Let me just say that the cucco fiasco started out as a joke Dark and I were going to play on Impa. _Somehow_ it spiraled out of control and… Well. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'll start soon after I left off last time.

Dark was explaining his plan to me. I can't believe I actually went along with it… but I did, because I hated Impa and I wasn't thinking very clearly. (…When do I _ever_ think clearly though? I should probably work on that.) Anyway. After the plan had been completely explained, I nodded my head in agreement to help, if it weren't for one unfortunate flaw.

"Sounds great," I said hesitantly, "but you need the cuccos to be grown for it. They're still chicks."

Dark only grinned. I didn't like his grin very much. "Reach into your pouch," he said, motioning to the little leather pouch hanging at my side.

"What?" I furrowed my brow. "How will that help?"

"You'll see."

Shrugging, I obeyed, putting my hand into the pouch - and my fingers grazed a cool, smooth material that seemed oddly familiar. Blinking in confusion, I pulled the item out - only to find the Ocarina of Time itself in my hand.

"What?!" I spluttered incredulously. "This thing is dangerous! I didn't want it to be misused and so I locked it away deep underground and destroyed the key! How is it _here,_ in my hand?!"

Dark apathetically inspected his nails as he replied. "For the sake of plot convenience. The cuccos need to be adults, right? Therefore, the author magically put the Ocarina in your pouch so that you could make them grow up."

"A-author? What…? Ugh, never mind, here goes." Lifting the Ocarina to my lips, I played a catchy little marching tune and walked in circles around the cuccos. Immediately they began to follow - and the music magicked them into adults.

No, I _don't_ know how in the name of the sweet Sacred Realm that works, so don't ask.

With a wide smirk, Dark rubbed his hands together and flicked his fiery red eyes to mine. To this day I _still_ want to flinch whenever he does that. It's just intimidating… "Good, good!" he chuckled, shooing the newly-grown cuccos into a wooden crate and slapping a lid on top. "Now for the plan. Shall we go?"

"Yeah, sure." I picked up the crate of cuccos and started walking.

Now's a good time to explain what the heck we were trying to do. See, we wanted to set the entire crate of cuccos loose in Impa's room; they needed to be adults so that they could make as much noise as possible and also drop feathers absolutely freaking everywhere they went. We were going to spread them all over her room - on her bed, in her closet, on her desk, just _everywhere._ And they'd leave a trail of annoying feathers wherever they went. It was a brilliant plan.

Until everything went horribly wrong, of course.

But we'll get to that. The cuccos were _not_ happy in the slightest to be cooped up in a crate. They crowed and flapped around and pecked at their wooden prison walls. I rolled my eyes at them but otherwise ignored them. Dark just grinned the whole time we walked.

We sneaked through the castle halls toward Impa's room. Uh… as well as you can sneak with a giant crate filled with noisy cuccos, anyway. Which is to say not very well at all. We got a lot of strange stares from the servants we passed. One man even stopped us and said, "Goddesses, what are you doing _now,_ Link? Is that… is that a crate of _cuccos?!"_

"Shut up," I growled at him. He was a councilman - one of those men that strongly opposed the idea of me and Zelda getting married - and I really, really hated him. I wanted to cuss at him but I was pretty sure Dark would censor me again if I tried to. (For whatever ridiculous reason. I still have no idea why.)

Thank Nayru - the councilman let us go. "But I'm telling Princess Zelda about this," he grumbled as he sniffed and strode away.

I just made faces at his back.

"You are quite mature indeed," Dark said, sarcasm dripping off his words. "No wonder the lovely Princess Zelda chose you to be her future husband. You'll make a wonderful king for your people."

I glared daggers at him. "You want me to rip your throat out?"

"My, my! No need to get so upset!" My really freaking annoying doppelgänger (sweet Din, I just wanted to punch him again) raised his palms toward me in a peaceful gesture. It just made me hate him more. "Honestly, they say I'm the dark one? I'm quite the gentleman… compared to you, anyway."

"Does it look like I give a flying f -"

He narrowed his eyes at me.

"…ffffairy?" I nervously corrected myself. Despite how much I wanted to beat the crud out of him… dang. He could be scary when he wanted to.

Shaking his head, he turned and started to walk down the halls again, eventually coming to a stop in front of Impa's room. I decided not to question how he knew where it was. He tested the doorknob. It wasn't locked. He pushed the door open and it creaked loudly on its hinges as it swung open. "Well… that's convenient," I muttered.

Dark smiled. "Thank the author for that. She was too lazy to make us break the door down."

I growled in frustration. "Nayru! What in the world are you _talking_ about? Who is this 'author'? Do you _ever_ make any sense?!"

"Nope!" he replied cheerfully, and went into Impa's room.

"Golden Goddesses above, I hate you," I grumbled at his back as I followed him inside.

"Have you ever thought that, perhaps, you hate too much?" Dark asked as he shut the door behind me. "That might be the reason why the members of the council don't want you to marry Princess Zelda. After all, who wants a hateful king on the throne?"

I narrowed my eyes at him and felt my lip curling in anger. "Yeah, you'd know a lot about hatred, wouldn't you? The guy that just stumbled into my life to ruin it and tried to kill me for no reason!"

"We've been over this. I wasn't trying to kill you; merely spar with you. And it turned out to be quite entertaining, did it not?"

"No. I didn't," I snapped.

"Well then, I'm deeply sorry you didn't enjoy yourself. _I_ did. And I quite enjoy Princess Zelda's company… she enjoys mine as well." A foul smirk crossed his lips then.

Oh. He was taunting me. I knew that… but I gave in anyway.

"You piece of scum!" I shouted, throwing the entire crate of cuccos at him. Dark's eyes shot wide open and he hurriedly ducked. The crate sailed over his head and out the open window behind him.

I distinctly remember thinking, _Well, crud,_ and swallowing heavily against a suddenly-dry throat. Dark and I shared a nervous glance, for a moment our little dispute forgotten. Then we both simultaneously peered out the window - only to see that the wooden boards of the crate had fallen apart, and a hundred and fifty cuccos were squawking loudly, frantically flapping their wings and crashing into one another.

"This could prove to be a bit problematic," Dark murmured, offering me a sheepish smile.

"Are. you. freaking. _kidding me."_ I seethed. "This is all your fault! For the love of Nayru, my life would be so much better if you'd never appeared in it!"

"Who threw the crate in a fit of childish anger, hmm?" Dark cocked a brow at me.

I punched him. (…I wasn't very good at controlling my temper. I've gotten better since then, I swear!)

He stumbled backward, rubbing his jaw and glaring at me. "Case in point," he mumbled. And before I could say anything he turned around and looked out the window again. "Well. I'm afraid our prank has gone horribly wrong. The cuccos are missing."

Instead of tackling him to the ground and punching him harder, like I wanted to do, I looked out the window and saw that he was right. The annoying, noisy birds were completely gone. I gulped. "…Where'd they go?"

"Probably into the town."

"Oh… oh, no." I buried my face in my hands and shook my head. "This was a terrible idea. Zelda's gonna hate me if she finds out."

"Then we'll simply have to find them before she does," Dark sighed, smoothing wrinkles out of his black tunic. "Come." And without another word he swept out of the room. I huffed at him but followed him anyway. Honestly, what choice did I have?

So… rather than relate all the boring parts about me walking through the castle with my palms sweating uncontrollably, afraid of what I might see once I reached the town, I'll just skip right to the interesting part. The part where we got to the aforementioned town.

You'd think that only a hundred and fifty cuccos couldn't cause _that_ much trouble. But oh… Oh, Goddesses. It was horrible. I remember looking out at the town with my mouth gaping so wide that I swore I felt my jaw hit the cobblestones beneath my feet.

They were _everywhere._ Incessantly squawking and flapping wildly around, tangling themselves in people's hair, attacking stalls of food, chasing poor, terrified dogs and children, and _everyone_ was screaming. Feathers flew everywhere. One man in particular ran in front of me, his screech high-pitched and terrified, swatting at a dozen persistent cuccos pecking at every available part of his body. I was quite sure I was witnessing the apocalypse. Din. It was worse than when Ganondorf took over the world.

Dark and I shared a horrified glance. In that moment I felt a distinct stab of guilt for allowing my temper to get the better of me and throwing that crate at my dark copy. For one… I _hate_ cuccos. I understood how scared those poor people must have felt with the birds attacking them relentlessly. Second, I wasn't looking forward to cleaning this mess up and catching all those stupid cuccos. And third… Zelda was going to kill me.

"Well…" Dark rolled up his sleeves. "We should get started."

"Y-yeah."

So we did. And chaos ensued.

I chased every cucco I could see - but the accursed things evaded me. Growling in anger, I chased them in ungraceful circles, running faster and faster and faster, but still they stayed just barely out of my reach. And still I ran in endless circles, until I got so dizzy I swore I was going to throw up. I stopped, panting, resting my hands on my knees, chest heaving uncontrollably. Oh man. After all my adventures had ended, I'd gotten a bit lazy, and I was horribly out of shape. I was _certainly_ paying for it.

As I stood there catching my breath, Dark ran past me, flinging himself into the air with an epic shout, hands reaching desperately for a cucco just inches in front of him. He missed. And with a very inelegant cry, he fell to the cobblestone street face-first, sliding forward a few feet before finally coming to a stop. He groaned in pain. I felt a twinge of sympathy for him and cringed.

But I didn't have long to pity my doppelgänger. A poor, helpless woman cowered beneath the counter of her stall as the awful birds relentlessly tore apart her food stores. I steeled myself and walked right up to them… but froze when they all turned to pierce my soul with their black devil-eyes.

I gulped. "I'm… gonna kill you," I said weakly, unsure of myself. But I had to do _something,_ didn't I? I mean, come on. I have the Triforce of Courage. So I gathered all my bravery and lunged at them. Unfortunately they casually flew off as if nothing was wrong, leaving me to crash into the stall with a pained _oof_ , wooden counter splitting in half beneath my weight. I stared into nothing for a while, wide-eyed and breathless, before I managed to gulp the air around me and, by some miracle, stand up again.

Suddenly a whole swarm of angrily-crowing cuccos flew right toward me like a horrible wall from hell itself. Their vast shadows swallowed me. I stared in horror for a while - then I screamed like a little girl and ran out of the way.

I wasn't fast enough. They crashed into me, shoving me to the ground, and clambered all over my body, pecking me everywhere they possibly could. "Ah! No! Stop! Someone help! Farore have mercy on my soul! No! _Why is this happening to me!"_ I wailed, clumsily flailing my limbs around in a failed attempt to fling the birds off me.

From the corner of my eye I saw Dark stand. Then a cucco perched on my face and effectively blocked my vision. I screamed, only to get a mouthful of bird butt. I spluttered and spat and gagged in disgust, swatting frantically at my face, trying with all my pathetic might to get that stupid creature _off of me._

Suddenly the birds shrieked - and a dozen of them flew off me all at once. I blinked in surprise, seeing a shadow standing over me, gasping, limbs trembling, and I realized Dark had kicked the awful birds off me.

 _Ohhhhhhh, thank every deity in existence,_ I remember thinking with a relieved grin. Dark held out a hand. I accepted it, and he helped me up. I wanted to hug him. I mean… I _didn't,_ because that'd be awkward, but I certainly wanted to. And from then on I didn't mind him as much.

I brushed cucco feathers off of me and breathed a shaky sigh. Dark grinned feebly. "Any success so far?"

"…No."

"We have to catch them all _somehow."_

"Um… well, you know that author you mentioned?"

"Yes?"

Behind Dark a screaming man flailed around wildly, swatting at cuccos and failing to hit any of them.

"Why doesn't she do something to help? She seems to make convenient things happen - like when she apparently put the Ocarina in my pouch and unlocked Impa's door for us."

"Ah." Dark smiled. "Of course. Maybe she'll help us."

So I smiled too. And kept smiling.

…And _kept_ smiling…

Silence. Except for the people shrieking and the stupid cuccos that would never shut up, of course.

My copy's smile slowly vanished with each passing second. "I suppose we're on our own with this one," he muttered, shaking his head disconsolately. "I think she enjoys seeing us suffer…"

"Oh Din." I rubbed my forehead in distress and sighed in exasperation. "Fine. Let's just get this over with."

We ran after the cuccos again - this time as a team, because we figured it'd be easier to work together than separately. "Hey! Over here, you stupid scumbags!" I called to the cuccos, waving my arms to them. Some of them turned to me, poison in their terrible eyes. I swallowed - and then ran for my life, screaming all the while. (This whole situation is not my proudest moment, honestly.) Dark followed, catching the stupid birds when they weren't looking, and he threw them into a nearby barrel. It seemed to work… so we repeated the process until we'd captured them all. With an exhausted groan Dark slammed the lid onto the barrel and leaned against it, shutting his eyes and massaging his temples.

"I'm never going near a cucco again."

"I'm glad you agree," I panted.

"Let's just…" Dark gave a weak smile as he picked up the squirming barrel full of angry cuccos. I raised a brow at him. He said nothing; just walked toward the wall surrounding Castle Town. Furrowing my brow in confusion, I followed - and watched as he threw the barrel into the moat.

I gaped. Then I grinned.

"Hey, I'm not complaining," I said as my copy brushed his hands on his tunic and nodded to himself in satisfaction.

"Let us never mention this again."

"Mention what?" I smirked.

Dark chuckled.

* * *

 **A/N: I listened to Malo Mart for thirty whole minutes while writing this. Someone help me; I think I've officially gone insane.**


End file.
